I've never felt so alone.

So what if i'm in a crowd?
So what if i'm laughing?
So what if i'm telling a joke?
So what if i'm occupied with work and assignments and discussions?
So what if i'm doing a presentation ?
So what if i'm shopping or playing or watching a show?
So what if i'm surrounded by friends and family?

i'm still alone. and i still feel so alone..

fuck you.
how can guys forget so easily while girls have to hang on to them?
fuck fuck fuck..

i'm losing it..

its a brand new day and yes, im not in bed currently at this time of 12:32am.
Ever since the start of those nightmares again, i've been losing sleep. But. not tonight. tonight im losing sleep over my math lesson plan and not because of the nightmares. In fact, i've not gotten them since Saturday night(:

I've also cut and color my hair and , i have finally gotten the courage to 'dump' the concrete nightmares. Keeping the happy memories are great but, eventually it will fade cause the new ones that i have are better and happier. (:
and even after all is said and done, to have the courage to face or even see him might still be lacking. Im sorry. Because i can never forget the hurt even if it doesnt hurt anymore..But im sure i'll get over it. (:

Love to all.
xoxo.
thanks sister(:

tonight, feels like one of those nights again.
i dont know why. im getting all these stupid stupid memories back.
Sometimes, i need someone to talk to. How it still hurts,how angry i am. and how stupid i am. But then again, i can never do it.

I can say how much i hated him,how much i detest him but i can never let anyone know how it feels like deep down. Some people has the ability to speak what they feel like especially sadness but me, i can never do it..

when will all this fcuking feelings and memories go away? many a times i have tried disposing away his stuffs but reality sets in and i know i cant do it. PLEASE JUST FCUKING GO AWAY

but it still hurts so bad. ):

If you knew how i felt,
you'd understand why im fcuking angry at you,
why i hate you so much right now..

Sometimes, it still hurts.



and tonight feels like sometimes..
but you dont care and i know i shouldn't.
I want to tel lsomebody how i feel. But it can never come out.
and sometimes, i cant answer people why its over.
because truth is, i dont really know why..

Went back to CHERIE HEARTS on wednesday ((:
and we delayed ourselves making it around 4plus when i finally saw my dearest babies! While staring from the secind floor into the centre, seeing all the little children ranging from pg1 to k2, fond memories came gushing back.
Every single moment of looking at them is pure joy and every moment of waiting til we finally went in was torture.

The first step into nursery and YewShuen was the first to saw me! However, she is as usual so co-operative. She kept quiet while i stepped in till the hwole class could see me! The moment they all came running and hugging and calling out my names make me feel soo happy and im so glad and never ever regretted my choice of embarking into this career and working there as an assistant tr. ((:

This time round, my dear Matthias was there and he was lookng sooo cute but i think he did grew taller and looked more like Nathan! hahas! managed to play 'vampire' game with Ivan and fooled around with the rest of the kids in CH during play time ((: it surprised me to see how much they grown and how i've really missed them an awful much! The fact that they still remember me made it a wonderful feeling for we kept thinking they might have already forgotten us. Glad they all achieve object permeanance! HAHAHAS!

Going back during children's day and its a big big headache for us! Suggestions to buying gift for children are welcomed! and are greatly appreciated besides, it has only been like 2 days since im away from them and i already miss them so much!
Side track. today JW says that when we get into our new centre during the attachment period, i will 'fall in love' with a new kid but to me, CH@Gombak babies are my first class and will definitely never be replaced! especially my dear dear matthias and nursery 2010 class! ;p

PROCRASTINATION SHALL END TMR!
xoxo ((:

a post to myself:
Dear ME! :

Please stop procrastinating! completing one out of 4 assignments are not enough!!
Please start reading up and actually use them when writing the paper! I dont see why you can do one part of the paper with so much effort and leave the rest to'die off'.
Thank you for putting in so much effort in exercising everyday amd watching your diet. However, please remember to take care of your body and drink more water! Enjoy and try to listen in class! you are losing precious information and that is NOT RIGHT!! You are doing a great job in keeping yourself happy. Try to make it a point to make someone else's day a happy and joyful one as well! THINK OF OTHERS and STOP ACTING LIKE A BABY! is time to grow up~~ But, i guess a tiny bit of child-like character is still allowed and love by all! ((:

MOST IMPORTANTLY, please please please STOP PROCRASTINATING!!

i always love you more than anyone else, Be strong! (:
LOVE, ME!
xoxo ((:

I am a counselor and psychologist to a problem-filled child,
I am a police officer that controls a child gone wild.
I am a travel agent scheduling our trips for the year,
I am a confidante that wipes a crying child’s tear.
I am a banker collecting money for a ton of different things,
I am a librarian showing adventures that a storybook brings.
I am a custodian that has to clean certain little messes,
I am a psychic that learns to know all that everybody only guesses.
I am a photographer keeping pictures of a child’s yearly growth,
When mother and father are gone for the day, I become both.
I am a doctor that detects when a child is feeling sick,
I am a politician that must know the laws and recognize a trick.
I am a party planner for holidays to celebrate with all,
I am a decorator of a room, filling every wall.
I am a news reporter updating on our nation’s current events,
I am a detective solving small mysteries and ending all suspense.
I am a clown and comedian that makes the children laugh,
I am a dietician assuring they have lunch or from mine I give them half.
When we seem to stray from values, I become a preacher,
But I’m proud to have to be these people because …
I’m proud to say, “I am a teacher.

–
I Am A Teacher by Stacy Bonino

and i know all the hard work pays of when i see them smile (:

hockky//doorbell//POTATO//MUSHROOM (:
.music, sports, watching shows and movies. singing.
.HILLGROVIAN
.UNPREDICTABLE
.HILARIOUS
.LOVES my family,friends,sister


fuck it!

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